File Under Stuff I’ll Never Do

Today we went hiking at Apache Lake in the Tonto National Forest. On the way this morning, I saw two hanggliders off to the right. That sounds fun. Because I want to experience all the fun of a plane crash without any of the protection offered by a plane.

Unfiltered Thoughts: Advice for Working With a Pregnant Lady

I just started my new job a few days ago, and unlike at the interview, now I am obviously showing. I’ve made the switch to maternity clothes and I definitely look pregnant. My new coworkers seem to be really quiet and maybe even shy, so I’ve been keeping to myself, using my lunch hour for a walk since it seems like everyone here just kind of eats at their desks by themselves. Today, one of my coworkers approached me and said, “So….when are you….uh….” and then made a motion of ‘pregnant’ across her belly. And when I said “I’m due July 4” she said that she’d be winning the office pool, then. Because that doesn’t make the I-just-started-a-new-job-six-months-pregnant-lady feel awkward. At all.

So a bit of advice to those of you working with a pregnant lady, whether she’s a new coworker or not:

  1. Do not have a behind-her-back office pool about when she’s due (or if she’s even pregnant).
  2. Do not eat fish at your desk. Or cheeseburgers. Or anything with onions. In fact, stick to foods that produce no odor, or EAT IN THE KITCHEN or GO OUT TO EAT.
  3. Do not act jealous when your new coworker’s upcoming maternity leave is announced. That six weeks that sounds like “vaca” to you, moron? That’s for her to recover from squeezing a baby out her hoo-ha, and bonding with the little baby. And btw, she might feel bad that she’s not getting the 12 weeks that other new moms get at ‘real’ jobs under FMLA.
  4. Under no circumstances should you ask “Are you sure you’re not having twins hahaha?”

I’ll post more as they come up, but that’s a good starting point.

Unfiltered Thoughts: Teenagers

So tonight after work I had to go to traffic school to obliterate from my record a speeding ticket. The traffic school was from 6-11 p.m. No joke. My other choice was to go on a Saturday morning, and I’ll be damned if I’m sacrificing half a day of my freedom for the man. But I did get something out of it, which I thought I would share.

Teenagers SUCK. Which makes me Officially Old™. They have this cooler-than-thou attitude, even though they haven’t been around long enough to have developed critical thinking skills enough to distinguish That Which is Cool from That Which is a Fad. They have a totally obnoxious inability to listen and follow instructions. And their oblivious self-absorbed nature fails to recognize that adults might have feelings and thoughts too.

Dude next to me couldn’t have been more than 17, and first thing he says is “How long does this thing last?” I replied, “It’s supposed to go til 11, but from what I hear, if people don’t ask a lot of questions, the instructor might let us out after 10.” So starting at 9:40, he starts packing up all of his shit and sighing loudly and dramatically every 30 seconds in between glancing at his cell phone. By 9:50 when it’s obvious that the instructor still has stuff to say and we haven’t even done our test yet, dude stage whispers, “JESUS! I thought this was supposed to end at 10.” Yeah, buddy. Cuz you’re the only one in this whole room who wishes they were somewhere else and has better things to do. I know I was perfectly happy when the section on school crossings would not end:

Student: “So what you’re saying about school crossings is that we have to slow down?”

Instructor: “Yes because, see, here’s the thing, is that there might be kids,”

Student: “But the sign says stop if Children in crosswalk. What if it’s an adult? I mean, if it’s just the crossing guard, that’s not a child. THEN can we go?”

Student 2: “Yeah, I mean, what if it’s three kids, a teenager, and an adult?”

Student 3: “What if it’s a black kid?”

Instructor: “[Blah blabbity blah].” (Sorry, I couldn’t focus on anything other than how retarded my fellow citizens are.)

Instructor: “Okay. So we answered question number one. Let’s move on to Question Number Two. It’s about the left turn lane.”

Student: “Wait, I have a question. Can we go back to the school crossing for a minute?”

Jesus F-ing Christ, kill me now. But at least I’m not subjecting my neighbors to an obnoxious display of narcissism.

Unfiltered Thoughts: Bathrooms

How come nobody ever puts the sink outside of the bathroom in a public place? Not only would you then not have to touch the door after you’ve washed your hands, but you also get the shame factor forcing those who would not otherwise wash their hands to do so.

Unfiltered Thoughts: Aging

As the bag boy at the grocery store handed me my groceries, he said “Have a nice night, ma’am.”

Ma’am?! When did I go from being a “miss” to a “ma’am”?! This is not good. Adding sunscreen to my daily routine from now on.