When I started crying while my OT works my shoulder, she stopped. "What's your goal?" I don't know. "You don't have a goal?! You have to have a goal! Do you want to go around and for the rest of your life need help with things?? Help washing your hair? Help putting on a bra? How are you going to put on a bra if you don't get better?" I don't know. What are my goals? To find some semblance of my normal. I wish I could wear my contacts, since wearing my glasses isn't an everyday … [Read more...] about What are my goals?
The Irregular rhythm of help
"What can we do to help?" I hear it, over and over. And 3 months in, I still don't know what to say. People near & far are willing, and wanting to help. It's understandable. We are all just wired to help those we love. But it's so hard to articulate what we need help with, Because it's hard to itemize tasks & things that can be delegated. Yes, send a meal or a gift card. That saves us My Better Half or 10 year old from cooking. That's helpful, but it ends up being a … [Read more...] about The Irregular rhythm of help
April 3
"What's your pain level right now, on a 1 to 10 scale?" I've been asked that question hundreds of times since April 3. I still have no idea how to answer. Cosmically, a 400? Physically? A 5? April 3rd was a bad day. I went out for a quiet bike ride and haven't been home from hospitals (plural) since then. I'm currently in my second acute rehab hospital, working towards regaining the left side of my body. I have had 5 surgeries - so far - and I take pain meds round the clock. … [Read more...] about April 3
What to Be When I Grow Up
I don't have a single memory of my parents ever asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Not one. It's a common question, one that most parents ask their children, and one that they ask often. A chance to get a glimpse through their lens. To see how their answers change over time. And to course correct when they say "I dunno, a found-materials performance artist?" But my parents never asked me that question. Never. I remember them telling others - in my presence - what I would be. … [Read more...] about What to Be When I Grow Up
My Dreams are the Worst Part of COVID
The worst part of COVID is...well, it's really hard to choose, isn't it? Not seeing friends. No travel. Not seeing family. Not celebrating life's moments together. But for me, it's my dreams. Since early last summer, I've had recurring dreams that I'm out with my friends, and my kids are out and about with their friends, having a lovely little time. Actually out, having a blast, laughing, connecting, playing, and just hanging out. Completely chill, positive vibes. And then I wake up. And I … [Read more...] about My Dreams are the Worst Part of COVID