My Greatest Fears Realized

I have this irrational fear that I will blurt out something that is appallingly inappropriate for the context. Or just plain unspeakably unsuitable for any context. Like if I were in a meeting at work and found the words “I like little boys” falling out of my mouth. Or turn to my in-laws and ask if they want a bong hit. Just completely, utterly inappropriate.

I thought this was just one of the millions of my irrational worries and anxieties. That is, until My Better Half™ told me this anecdote. His friends had a party last night, and the wife went to bed early. But when she retired to her bedroom, she left her phone in the living room, in plain sight. Her husband turned around just in time to see a mischievous friend setting her phone down on the table.

“Um, what’d you just do with my wife’s phone?” he asked the friend, knowing full well that the practical joker was up to no good. The friend explained that he had scrolled through her contacts looking for the ‘girliest name’ he could find and texted that person “Why haven’t we made out in public?”

The woman he had texted? Her boss.

See? I have reason to fear the scenario of having something completely socially inappropriate spilling out of my mouth, or my phone-as-mouthpiece, and being incapable of stopping it. See also: reason to lock my phone. Which I am doing. Right. Now.