As of today, it's been 57 days since I've been anywhere, except driving from my old place to my new place to move in. Fifty seven days. The last place I went was dropping my mom off at the airport for her to fly home. I keep asking myself shouldn't I feel...lonely? sad? worried? about the being only at home? And some moments, and some days, I do. But mostly I feel fine. And crushing, keeps-me-up-at-night guilt that I mostly feel fine about quarantine. Shouldn't I feel … [Read more...] about 57 days
As irrational as it sounds - and as irrational as it is - in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if this whole quarantine, shelter-in-place thing is somehow my fault. I know that sounds crazy. But hear me out. First, for years, I have struggled mightily with trying to work and parent simultaneously. The whole work like you don't have children and parent like you don't have a job thing. I've worked my ass off to have a career that is both intellectually fulfilling and steady (to the … [Read more...] about Did I will this into existence?
We have a family calendar we print and keep on the fridge. Yes, a paper calendar. If you don't have kids, you won't understand this, but kids don't have smart phones they can use to check what's happening on any given day. Heck, even my husband can't be bothered to check a shared google calendar, so... I prefer the DIY calendar you just print yourself, month by month, and fill out by hand, anyway. At the start of each new year, I'll print out each month, and fill in the little I do know - … [Read more...] about Our Family Calendar – April 2020
In our married lives, with regard to housing, our timing is everything. We moved to Phoenix in 2006, at the peak of the housing market. By 2013, when we had 2 children, we had been desperate for more space. For a Very. Long. Time. But why hadn't we moved? Oh a little thing called the Great Recession. Eventually, in 2016, our home value had finally come back enough that we could walk away. Except then, only I could qualify for a mortgage (not both of us). Why? Because no lender recognizes … [Read more...] about Moving During a Pandemic, Because Apparently That’s How We Roll
In September 2001, I was working for a federal agency in Flagstaff, Arizona. It is absolutely stunning there in September - deep blue skies, wispy clouds, and aspens starting to turn gold in the warm afternoons, before the nights grew cool. I fell in love with hiking by myself there, and would spend most afternoons and weekends exploring and just being in nature. This is a picture I took shortly after September 11, 2001 on one of my favorite trails. I don't know what you see when you … [Read more...] about Another empty sky day
This whole coronavirus thing is getting weird, ya'll. Like really, really weird. Yesterday I couldn't focus at work, at all. I was sitting in my cubicle all day, my mom at my house, visiting for spring break to help with the kids, who have been in spring break camp this week, but who we've kept home anyway since Wednesday to be with her and to not be around other humans. And today I just dropped her off at the airport to go home. I felt simultaneously both overzealous for asking her to … [Read more...] about sh*t’s getting weird. real weird.
Today's my birthday. For whatever reason, I often struggle around my birthday. It triggers an annual depression, which boils down to feelings of: I haven't done "enough." Or "I'm not where I should be in life." This year, those feelings are even more painful for me, because I've had some career bullshit that has been a wrecking ball to my ego. On top of that, my parentified childhood means that I get intrusive and cyclical and DEEP sadness leading up to and just after my birthday, mourning … [Read more...] about a literal sh*t storm
Things I wonder: has reality tv ALWAYS been this god-awful? Or has my taste evolved*? * Evolution is relative, coming from someone who makes a sport out of watching and judging selected Housewives, as well as all Southern Charm and VPR bravolebrities and 90 Day Fiance... But either they've all unequivocally tanked in, er, "quality" or my standards have somehow been raised. … [Read more...] about unfiltered thoughts: reality tv in 2020 edition
Recently, as in last fall, I logged in to my son's health care portal because my pediatrician wasn't getting any records from a specialist. To say it's my son's health portal is silly, because he's six. So I have to log in as me, and then navigate to him, as he is a child record attached to the electronic me. Anyway, when I logged in, I got presented by the generic profile page, with a gray silhouette placeholder avatar, my sex, my date of birth, and my age. 43. Mathematically, that's … [Read more...] about fully middle aged
Weird thing about living in PHX is that it remains so hot here well after summer that my brain gets real confused. I keep finding myself thinking things like "I'll do that after Labor Day." Like: I'll start cleaning out the garage after Labor Day. Or I'll start working on working on my yard again after Labor Day. Or I'll look into a fall trip with the kids after Labor Day. Or I'll start planning my son's September birthday after Labor Day. Obviously, dear reader, you know it's well after … [Read more...] about Autumn is…when, again?