Well, well, well. Here we go again. A new year, the same resolution to blog more. I should know better, especially given the 2012 experiment, but clearly I just get older, not wiser.
I could take a glass half empty approach as to why I didn’t blog more in 2012. Let’s see: it started with a 6 month old who got RSV, which then morphed into me having sinus infection after sinus infection and strep throat after strep throat for months on end (up to and including this very moment in 2013) and having trouble managing my hypothyroidism. On top of being a mom and being sick and way low energy, I still worked full-time and though I aspired to get other things done, I rarely did. See: being sick. It doesn’t help that my computer at home died and has remained unreplaced. Hey, iPod touch? You’re awesome for most everything. Just not writing extensively.
But let’s look at the glass half full version of 2012’s resolution: I wrote more than I had in previous years, including much more long-form stuff that’s still in progress offline (along with all the half-formed blog posts I have still rattling about in draft). I started another blog co-written with a friend of mine, and I reconnected with how writing helps me work sh*t out in my own head. So take that, 2012 resolution!
So, since I’m trying on 2013 for size, how’s it measure up so far? Not good. I think part of it is I have a tendency this time of year to look back on the previous year, and in comparing right now to 2012 at the same time, I was much more settled and content then than I am now. I was confident in my abilities to parent a 6 month old. Now I’m facing new toddler-sized issues (no impulse control, limited ability for us to understand what she’s trying so desperately to communicate, chasing her down at the most inopportune times because running away is FUN!, and trying to determine how to make meals out of the 3 things she’ll eat) that make me less sure I know what the hell I’m doing. A year ago, I had an awesome boss and felt, for the first time in a long time, that my work was a good match for my skills and background. Now? A reorg at work has left me working in the same place but with a new, totally absentee boss, and a new role in a new career path that does NOT suit me at all, leaving me utterly dissatisfied. A year ago I was much healthier. I was working out habitually, I felt good, had high energy, and then having drifted off that course from being so sick, I now find myself still on steroids and antibiotics, feeling pretty gross. And a year ago, I wasn’t faced with the prospect of our nearly 13-year old dog’s final weeks. That part, I’m not prepared to talk about or deal with yet. But it’s there, lurking in the shadows of the weeks to come.
I know myself. I know that I have a tendency at this time of year to feel the post-holiday blues. The trips to look forward to have come and gone. Regardless of whether the job sucks or is awesome, coming back to my cubicle after a few days away is always a let down as it means the end of hanging out in pajamas, playing with the girl, and taking naps. So I’m trying to be extra-cautious right now not to let my feelings of unrest cascade over into other areas and color the otherwise excellent things that I’m sure are to come in 2013. I’m trying to compartmentalize – not in some unhealthy way but to try to prevent my general anxiety disorder from trampling all over everything and mixing it all up so that all of my worries won’t get inextricably tied up together until they’re one giant sinkhole of suckitude. Trying to deal with one thing at a time, and then putting it back up on the shelf when something else needs to be dealt with instead.
Trying. Maybe that’s my guiding word for 2013. I will try. I will keep trying. If I fail, maybe I will learn something. If I succeed, who knows what could happen?