Shart week

Dawdler Toddler Preschooler: Mom, we learned DON’T touch sharps. They’re sharp!

Me: Sharps?

Dawdler Toddler Preschooler: No, wait. Not sharps. <thinking…> Sharts.

Me: Sharts?

Dawdler Toddler Preschooler: Yes, sharts. Swimming in the ocean. Sharts.

Easily Confused

My Better Half™: “Your car reigstration has expired, so be sure not to let a cop get too close on the way home.”

Me: “So I should speed away?”

My Better Half™: “Well, sure, but only if you can determine if that’s Smokey or the Bandit behind you first.”

Me: “Which one’s the chimp?”

My Better Half™: “You’re thinking of Every Which Way But Loose.”

My Better Half™: “…And that’s Clint Eastwood, not Burt Reynolds.”

My Better Half™: “…And it’s an orangutan, not a chimp.”

Me: “Alright. But to be fair, it’s easy to confuse Burt Reynolds and an orangutan.”

Fool Me Once

I LOVE me some April Fools’ pranks. Even when I’m the victim, I really appreciate the April Fools efforts. When My Better Half asked me first thing this morning, “Hey, can you get me the soap out from under the kitchen sink?” I was instantly suspicious. I expected some spring-loaded something to leap out of the cabinet. That, or a badger. (Hopefully of the honey variety). I was pleasantly surprised to learn that he’d simply finished installing all the cabinet locks to keep Baby out of the base cabinets.

But, in honor of April Fools, and especially since I just don’t have time or energy to carry these out, here are 3 of my favorite pranks (in no particular order):

 

  • Remove all music from your loved one’s iPod and replace entirely with tracks they despise. They’ll just pick up their iPod to go in the morning, leave with it, and only discover the prank on the move, when they can do nothing more than throw up their hands and curse you.
  • Change their ringtone to something ridiculous. Then, when their phone rings at work, they’ll think “who the HELL has Nelly’s ‘It’s Getting Hot in Herre’ as their ringtone?!” followed quickly by “JESUS would they answer their phone?!” and finally, “oh shit. That’s MY phone.”
  • I can’t take any credit for this one, but remove the frosting from inside Oreos and replace with toothpaste. Serve.

 

 

 

Ah, the Taser

I just came across a notice of a research project awarded to someone here at ASU and it has the best research title. EVER: “Examining the Effects of the Taser on Cognitive Functioning.”

I’m guessing the research will take this into consideration:

And this:

Luckily, a lot of the evidence was already summarized and analyzed by The Daily Show:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c
Taser War 2007
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

I’m Sexy and She Knows It

Every once in a while my car radio does something really annoying. When you go to turn the volume down, it actually cranks it up. WAY up. Eardrum splittingly up. This has never had consequences (other than to my own hearing loss) until today.

On the way to work, I was listening to the radio (my deadPod is useless, so I’m stuck with actual radio broadcasts), and, sick of my usual NPR, I was listening to my guilty pleasure pop station’s morning radio jocks. Their banter alternates bewteen stupid and hilarious, but is funny and braindead enough to keep me entertained. The station plays Top 40 tunes, so every once in awhile during their morning show, they play some god-awful tune (and, admittedly, sometimes ones that I find catchy for about a day). Just as I approached my building, they were playing LMFAO’s “I’m Sexy and I Know It” as I slowed to a crawl to go over the epic speed humps that are outside my building. I already had my windows down because it was nice out, and I saw my boss’ boss approaching. So I went to turn down the radio to say hello, except my car decided it was time to jam. So instead of saying hello, I slowed to a crawl in front of my boss’ boss to proclaim I’M SEXY AND I KNOW IT.

Now, my coworkers and the whole neighborhood know it too.

Decision Made

I belong to an audiobook club, where I get one download a month, and I couldn’t find anything to use my latest credit on…until I read the following review for Stephen Colbert’s I Am America (and So Can You!).

“Now, I have to admit that I was a fan of his TV show, but it soon became apparent after listening to this book that it is not much more than a 3 hour homophobic diatribe. He starts out by saying that “baby carrots are trying to turn me gay” which, I also admit, caused me to chuckle a bit. But this guy is a racist, homophobic Republican who thinks the world should return to the good old days of the 50s. It’s not 1955 anymore…deal with it.”

Clearly, this reviewer is *not* a fan of his TV show, because that would imply they understand satire. That review alone cinched it. Book selected, and it has been a good selection. Maybe I should base more of my decisions on people’s poor reviews, rather than the positive ones. Because people are idiots.